Brené Brown’s research on belonging has provided so much wisdom. She writes about belonging in Braving the Wilderness. Yet her audible book, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting really got my attention when she spoke about what it means to feel like you don’t belong in your family.
I listen to stories all day long and see and feel the broken hearts of individuals who even as adults, still have a very deep sense of not belonging in their family. So many daughters are still seeking to find the approval of mothers who mean well, but leave them feeling dismissed, unseen, and unheard. Others are seeking the approval of their fathers who may have been strict, emotionally absent, and/or disapproving of them. All of this can leave someone feeling they are never enough.
As a therapist, I have witnessed so many clients who have been afraid to be their authentic self out of fear that if their parents really knew them, they wouldn’t like them. Often this comes from clients who have learned to silence their voice, their beliefs, their values, and who they really are, in effort to try to be the person their parents need them to be for them. In doing so, they are full of anxiety, fear, and even depressed. Brené says:
“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
Leaning into your voice requires courage. Often the struggle is more about disappointing parents who need them to behave in a certain way, succeed along a path they desire, follow their moral compass, and become the types of adults they expect. It’s even more pronounced in families with very strict religious beliefs when religious views and judgment show up as righteous anger. In these situations, the child or even adult will find it very difficult to lean into their true self without first opening themselves up to uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
I like to say that we survive childhood and then spend the rest of our adult life trying to patch the holes of brokenness that lead to protective parts showing up, and behaviors that stop us from being our authentic self. The journey is hard, and the risk may be high. Yet in reality, hiding who you really are, or choosing other people’s comfort over your own will only prevent you from finding the joy and peace you deserve. Choosing yourself over fitting in and making others happy empowers you to become who you were designed to be.
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