Blame the Perpetrator
In our culture, there is this innate sense to blame and justify our anger as a result of someone else’s behavior. Now don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe in the vows of marriage with trust and monogamy, unless otherwise agreed upon by consenting adults. I’ve been married for almost 28 years and that requires choices and refraining from situations that provide temptation. It also requires a secure attachment and ability to trust and feel unconditional love. However, as a therapist, I have never worked with a perpetrator of an affair that didn’t have a story behind their behavior.
Again, I’m not condoning an unfaithful person’s choice, but I also understand that for many who stray, there was something very important missing in their relationship that wasn’t addressed. This isn’t always about sex! Yes, I said it. Often, it’s more about not feeling seen, heard, acknowledged, or even cared for. Some explain it as being married to someone who is very cold and emotionally unavailable. When those needs go unmet for a long time, and someone feeds into those needs…it’s possible for someone to lean into the emotions regardless of the consequences.
Finances can also be a huge contributor of stress in a marriage. When there is disagreement about management of finances, despite years of conversations about money…it can leave people feeling helpless, powerless, trapped, and definitely magnifies negative beliefs of feeling unseen, unheard, and not valued.
The Victim
I have worked with clients who want to blame all their issues on the other person. They want to take no accountability for their own actions and or the behaviors leading up to an affair. They prefer to live in a state of anger, and this taints their perspective of love, trust, and even future intimacy. Albeit, some individuals actually are married to serial cheaters who unfortunately wouldn’t be faithful regardless of their spouse’s behavior. However, more often, this isn’t the case. Especially in marriages lasting longer than 10 years.
When someone comes to me to heal from betrayal, I listen first to their story, and their account of the events that took place. Once a relationship is established I am able to start digging deeper into this person’s behavior. If this person is willing to look at a different perspective, they often can begin to understand their own actions, and how this may or may not have contributed to their partner feeling unseen, unloved, etc.
EMDR for Relational Trauma
EMDR is a powerful tool for helping both victim and perpetrator heal from the impact of betrayal. Both likely have deep-rooted attachment and shame issues that stem from early development under the age of 10. Yet so many individuals don’t even understand the impact that family or origin relational trauma has on their future behaviors in relationships. Those that are willing to seek treatment, are usually far better equipped to handle the impact of betrayal trauma, and can create new neural-pathways that will enable them to engage in future relationships with less distress.
Impact on Children
Children, whether small or young adults are subjected to the emotional impact of how each individual handles this trauma. If the victim verbally berates the perpetrator, and or discusses too many details of their perspective of the situation with their child, it leaves the child formulating an opinion that can greatly impact their relationship with their other parent.
The problem with any perspective is that there are always 2 sides to every story. Yet, one side of the story spoken constantly in someone’s ear can create an alignment with one parent and disconnection from the other. In these situations, it becomes very difficult for the parent who cheated to be seen as anything other than that label. However, even for someone who had an affair…That’s not all of who they are! Yes, their behavior was bad, and they may have made poor choices, but we can learn to forgive poor choices, and also see the good in someone. It’s the difference between guilt “I did something bad,” and Shame “I am bad.”
Repairing Parent Child Relational Trauma
Whether or not your child is willing to engage with you or not, I encourage parents to never stop reaching out. Anger is a strong emotion and it can keep people from doing the much harder work of feeling the grief, disappointment, and sadness of their expectations of family. Anger can keep people at a distance for long periods of time. Some will remain in this state as a protection from those more difficult emotions. Those who finally allow the walls to come down and do some of their own personal work, will eventually be able to take perspective. That’s the moment when a disconnected parent can begin to engage and start to embrace a relationship again with their child.