If you’ve worked with me you know I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. I have done years of work on myself to let go of the need to impress or even worry about what others think of me. Yet, just when I think I’ve done such a great job, there’s that little voice that creeps back in.
As I gather gifts and collect boxes from Amazon to use for Christmas wrapping, I am amazed at the clutter my home office has. I realize that’s temporary, but then I find myself looking at other areas such as the Mudd room where things seem cluttered. There are receipts I tell myself, “I’ll organize later,” and other stuff I have transported home from my office. I pass it every day, but I procrastinate on attending to it.
When most people think of Perfectionism they think of someone who is extremely organized, who needs everything to be perfect and well put together. The image of Martha Stewart comes to mind…and I’m No Martha! Maybe there was a time when I aspired to cook, clean, decorate and have the perfect Martha Stewart home…but that’s far from who I am today.
The Other Side of Perfectionism
So perfectionism has another side. It’s the side that many don’t realize can also be a part of perfectionism. You see, there is overwhelm sometimes in not knowing what to do with certain things, and or not feeling compelled to waste time learning the simple things…when your time could be better spent doing something else. The procrastination of putting something off that you don’t know what to do with or don’t know how to do, can create its own set of clutter.
If I’m honest, how this shows up for me is sometimes in my incompetency of managing technical things that should seem so simple. My husband organizes things on his computer that make me just go “that’s amazing.” He never seems to lose any file, or any important document, because the minute he gets that email, or document he places it in a file and knows exactly how to access it later. Me on the other hand…I save things in random places, thinking I’ve got it organized…but really, it’s because I was too afraid to ask for help in organizing files on my computer, and then find myself scattered and frantic when I need to reproduce them.
That’s part of my perfectionism, the fear of appearing stupid, or incompetent in an area that should be so simple. I know I’m a competent therapist. I feel pretty competent as a wife, mother, and friend. But ask me to organize my computer files, and reproduce an important document…and I likely could spend hours trying to find it. I’ll admit I have shame around that…and I’m starting to realize that asking for help and exposing my deficits in this area can make me feel very vulnerable.
Facing Your Demons
I have to say that I don’t think I really recognized the severity of this shame for myself until the last few months when I have had to navigate significant computer issues, email hacks, and run independent training where computer technology was an important aspect of the competency. When I couldn’t figure out why files with large videos were getting stuck in my iCloud instead of my hard drive my husband would say “where did you save the file Gina?” I looked at him dumbfounded with “I seriously don’t know!” I thought I had saved it to the hard drive, but in reality, my iMac was stealing all my files and placing them inside my iCloud! Ugh! After hearing once again from my hubby how much he hated my iMac, I had to go to plan B.
I reached out for help and got someone from the EMDR training organization I work with on a Zoom call with me and he looked at my iMac with me to help me navigate placing it in the right area. Yet, when he laughed and said “Your files are a mess” not only did I feel the shame of what I already knew, but it dawned on me that my haphazard saved files looked different than someone who is very organized and knows exactly where they put things. Shame Trigger! Yikes.
Asking For and Hiring Help
You will be happy to know that I have started to address my insecurities and shame around these issues. Today I verbalized this deficit to another colleague, friend and businesswoman who was empathic and also acknowledged that she wasn’t so different from me when it came to similar situations. It’s the Power of Vulnerability 101 when you share something vulnerable and someone says “me too” or at least feels compelled to share something vulnerable back.
She also referred me to a female Dot Networking sister who apparently loves Mac computers and could help me get myself organized and back on track. I have ripped off the bandaid of yet another shame trigger that exposed the thing I tried so hard to ignore and hide about myself. Yet I think that my future business endeavors and growth potential will be exponential as a result.
Small Shame Triggers Can Become Big
Well, there you have it. Today I shared with you the true meaning of vulnerability as defined by Brené Brown…Uncertainty, Risk, and Emotional Exposure! I wouldn’t be doing this work if I didn’t need to practice this myself. I am a work in progress like many of you, but I chose not to let my insecurities continue to be barriers for me as I head into 2025. Let’s shed the shame together and start living our most authentic lives.