Patience Is Hard
I’ll admit, I’m not the most patient person in the world. In fact, the idea of waiting on others when I could do it faster myself has certainly been something I’ve rumbled with over the years. When it came to my physical health, the formula used to be easy. Eat right, count macros, and lift heavy weights to keep your metabolism firing like a rockstar. If there wasn’t pain, I wasn’t doing it right! I told myself No Pain, No Gain!
When I worked as a health coach, the motivation and accountability to maintain this formula seemed easy. Yet when the perfect storm of COVID, menopause, and health complications due to my fitness activity arrived at the same time, it became increasingly difficult to find the motivation to keep up the pace, especially as my body didn’t respond to what used to work, and my physical limitations grew.
When You Can’t Push Through
When my shoulders screamed in pain, I just ignored it thinking “I’m getting older and this is normal.” I had been to countless doctors, chiropractors, physical therapists, and massage therapists and nobody assumed there was anything wrong with my rotator cuff. They said “you couldn’t move your arm the way you do if it was the rotator cuff.” Although I had been suffering with pain since 2015 back when I did Crossfit, it wasn’t until February of this year that my left arm just stopped working. I couldn’t even do a down dog in yoga, and yet the medical professionals were stumped and I felt as if they thought I was pretending to be in more pain than I really was.
So I went back to the doctor who again said “it’s not your rotator cuff…maybe labrum and arthritis and I was diagnosed with Frozen Shoulder and sent back to Physical Therapy. Elated that I was going to get help, I was put through 6 weeks of excruciating Physical Therapy while being told “it’s supposed to be painful.” Then once again, my arm wouldn’t work. So we finally were able to get insurance to pay for an MRI! Oh the irony when the surgeon looked at me and told me my rotator cuff was severed and very atrophied, meaning it had been this way for years. Oh and I also had a torn bicep tendon plus loads of arthritis around the bone and joint from years of pushing through the pain.
So I asked “How is it possible that my rotator cuff has been severed for years, and yet I could still move my arm, and nobody over the past 7 years could properly diagnose this?” Not even the Physical Therapists! The surgeon replied “You could do things nobody should be able to do with a severed rotator cuff!” He said, ”Your body found a way to overcompensate by using your upper trapezius muscles to take over the function of the rotator cuff.” – hence all the pain in my neck and traps for the past 7 years!
Succumbing to my Reality
When I could see the MRI images and finally received the needed validation to explain the pain I had been suffering with for many years, I decided that the only thing that mattered now was getting my shoulder fixed, and being the best patient I could be to ensure that the shoulder healed properly. God knows, I didn’t want to go back to surgery and live in that sling again.
Yet the process has been slow and grueling. I’m 4 months out, and by the post surgical date physical therapy thought I should be doing strength training. So they started me on a new regime a few weeks ago until I saw the surgeon and complained of all the pain in my left trapezius muscle again. He said, “Your surgery is intact, but your brain needs to relearn to use the rotator cuff instead of the trapezius muscle.” I’m a rule follower and understand physical therapy is painful, but when given a task I will try to perform it, even if that means I’m using the wrong muscle group. I didn’t even know I was doing it!
Self-Advocacy Instead of a Rule Follower
I had to become my own advocate and demand that the physical therapists and PTAs understand that I’m not a textbook case, and that they have to help me reteach my brain to use the right muscles. Anytime I’m compelled to use the trapezius muscle it’s because there’s no strength in the cuff to move my arm without the trapezius muscle group. So they are finally listening and the exercises have shifted, but that also means my progress will be slower, making me fight with patience.
I’ve learned through this process that medical professionals make mistakes too, and that I have to trust my body. I’ve had to learn to give grace and try to assume the best intentions of medical professionals, rather than sitting with anger and resentment. I’ve also had to practice more self-compassion for my body mechanics and my body’s needs. I’ve learned that it’s okay to speak up and say No when it doesn’t make sense versus just trusting and pushing through what seems counterintuitive to my recovery because some medical professional told me to do it.
My New Norm
During this year’s events I have been restricted to essentially walking. I could get on that Peloton, but dang I hate stationary bikes and can’t wait to get back out on my road bike next year. So through this recovery, I’ve become fluffier than I would like, and have had to really lean into self-compassion.
I’m currently working with a physical trainer who has been very attentive and cautious of my restrictions and limitations. My legs work though! So you can be sure I’m back at the squat rack and working the largest muscle group to kick this menopausal metabolism back into action. I couldn’t do this alone because I can’t load the rack with weight plates. Yet with her help, I am slowly rebuilding the right way. I continue with my physical therapy like a good student. Hoping to be back to baseline (whatever that is in this 49 year old body) by early next year.