Trauma and The Body
Bessel van der Kolk wrote a book in 2014 called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and the Body in the Healing of Trauma. The book quickly became a famous must-read for therapists working with trauma. It helped to explain that trauma is not only mental, emotional and neurological, but also physiological. Trauma rewires the brain to put people in a constant state of stress or numbness, leading to a host of physical problems.
EMDR is a Bottom-up treatment which means that it seeks physical experiences that connect the body and the mind to counteract feelings of helplessness, rage, and emotional collapse that can plague trauma survivors.
I Fought My Body
I vividly remember laying in my hospital bed and running the gamut of Negative Cognitions in my brain to see if any of them fit. I knew my leg absolutely had moments of energy trying to straighten itself as it was reliving the accident (which it was), but I felt so relieved to be alive that I think I really didn’t believe that there was any reason to believe that I was suffering from the aftermath of the mental trauma. Yet as a therapist and a trainer in EMDR, my brain knew otherwise. Still, the rational part of me tried to fight the mental trauma as I wasn’t having flashbacks or vivid dreams of falling. I was however having some fears around being on the edge of the road, or in the passenger side of our airstream on a narrow windy road.
While Watching a Netflix Show
Several weeks back while watching the Netflix show The Resident, I was watching a patient come into the ER screaming bloody murder. The staff said “You have a compound fracture of your Tibia and Fibula, so of course it hurts like that!” I know it was a drama show, but it got me thinking…How did I remain alert and attentive at the bottom of the mountain? How did I last 1.5 hours until I was rescued off the mountain and in the trauma ER room? How did I not lose any consciousness from the pain? Why was I able to help direct my care from the bottom of the mountain and laugh and engage with the paramedics when clearly I should have been screaming in pain? So I scheduled my own EMDR with a therapist.
The Parts You Don’t Remember
It’s wild, but even though I could remember very specific details from the fall, while doing my own EMDR there were both insights and physical energy that connected to pieces of the event. For instance, I remember my husband yelling “Noooooooo!” but in the processing I not only felt his panic, but my body held the energy of feeling like I was actually going to die. I remember feeling the tightness in my chest (left side to be precise) and the shaking of my body as I processed that moment of the fall. While I had hoped I would remember the actual break, that didn’t happen.
While processing, my body had significant energy associated with the disorientation of rolling and not knowing where the ground was or where the sky was. It was this ongoing sense of falling without any awareness of how this was going to end. While I ended the fall and had some relief that I was alive, there was a significant awareness that this was very bad.
When I processed my spouse and his riding buddy’s arrival at the bottom of the hill, their faces told me they weren’t okay! They were panicked and pacing trying to figure out what to do next. In my processing, it became apparent that I didn’t feel safe nor did I trust that they were going to get me off this mountain. My Trust and Responsibility Pathways became very evident in my own processing.
Then there was the fact that part of me felt the need to stay awake and help coordinate my rescue. While I knew I had people helping, with the arrival of the 2 hikers who happened to be doctors, they clearly weren’t trauma doctors. I had spent 22 years in codes and traumas and I definitely knew the difference. I was always the calm in the storm in the ER with families, and part of me knew I needed to stay alert and help ensure my rescue. I remember telling Dave to take off his shirt to use as a tourniquet. It’s not that he couldn’t have thought of that, but he was more worried about infection, and I sensed his own traumatic response to the whole event. The female doctor who held my leg was also very quiet and didn’t command any authority over the situation. She did recommend that we elevate my leg as I was clearly bleeding out of my ankle. In EMDR with tears, I asked “Why didn’t she take charge?” Why did I have to tell Dave to take his shirt off?”
My body continued to feel the intense sensations and energy until I got to the ambulance. The paramedics were awesome, but they too understood that the journey up the hill was not going to be easy and I knew I wasn’t out of danger yet. My body stopped shaking and the tension in my chest completely alleviated when I was in the ambulance with the EMT named Fallon, who finally convinced me “she had me, and I needed to accept the IV Fentanyl.” At that point my body relaxed and all negative sensations were gone.
More Processing to Be Done
EMDR is a very amazing therapy. I know it because of the research and what I’ve experienced in providing it daily to clients for the past 5 years. It’s one of those therapeutic techniques that can absolutely transform the energy from something negative and disturbing held in the body, from right brain to left brain, and update the system. Cognitively I knew I survived. I’m Okay now. My body was still on that mountain until we processed the traumatic event. Now they are more in sync and I feel as if I am able to continue to do my own work, to be the best version of myself in treating others. I also now can help explain my own experience as appropriate to help those who don’t believe they have negative body sensations attached to traumatic events.
Physically Healed
I saw my surgeon and the final X-Rays confirmed that my bones are completely healed. I am essentially capable of doing all activities except running. I now know I’ll have to grieve that piece as I sometimes long for the ability to go for a long run like I used to. So my body may continue to heal a bit more (hoping for pain to disappear when walking/hiking) and I will continue my mental health journey with my own EMDR to heal the mental/emotional part of this journey.
To find out more about EMDR, click here.