Empathic Misses

by | Aug 24, 2020 | Empathy | 0 comments

two women next to each other, with their backs to the camera, looking out at the sea
Empathy is one of those words that often gets confused with sympathy.  Empathy is a term we use for the ability to understand other people’s feelings as if we were having them ourselves. Sympathy refers to the ability to take part in someone else’s feelings, mostly by feeling sorrowful about their misfortune.  We want to be supportive and find the right thing to say, but we often don’t have the skills or words, so we say something that conveys pity instead of just holding space for someone’s pain.

Holding Space

The concept of holding space is something that isn’t taught in school.  In fact, unless you are someone who is very good at just listening, reflecting, and not trying to solve a situation, you likely struggle to know what to say or do when someone tells you something very vulnerable or painful.  For example, if your close friend came to you and told you their partner was cheating on them you might feel overwhelmed and afraid for how to find the right words.  Yet the concept of holding space with empathy doesn’t require us to have the right words, just compassion and willingness to listen, be emotionally available, and ask questions to better understand the situation.  However, if you say “I’m so sorry for you” your friend likely will not feel support, but rather pity and or judgment that their life is falling apart while your life is all together.

So what are you supposed to do if you are not a therapist or a trained professional in this area?  Even if you’ve never experienced the exact situation, you can pull from your own arsenal of experiences and dig deep into your empathy toolbox to sit with someone and just be present.

Here is a list of things you can do.

  1. Listen to try to understand
  2. Ask clarifying questions
  3. Acknowledge “this is hard” or that you “get it”
  4. Avoid trying to fix it or offer a solution
  5. Let them know you are here for them, and will walk through this with them
  6. Avoid trying to one-up them or make this about your own situation
  7. Pay attention to body language and avoid any non-verbal expressions that would convey shame or disappointment
  8. If you make an empathic miss, recognize it, apologize, and circle back to hold space