Parenting Triggers the Unprocessed Emotions of Your Childhood
It’s amazing how parenting can bring up so much emotion from your past lived experiences.
Many people look back on their childhood and see it through “rose-colored glasses,” only capable of believing it was the best childhood ever. Others, recognize so much anger and grief from their childhood and either pat themselves on the back for mastering the art of “stuffing” their emotions or they walk around carrying a huge weight on their shoulders of the victimization of the life they didn’t get.
The Lingering Effects of Family of Origin
As we parent, many of us try to overcorrect some things from our childhood that we didn’t appreciate.
The Unseen
A child who felt unseen or maybe lost in the shuffle due to their siblings having higher needs, might “overcorrect” as a parent and become that helicopter parent who is overprotective or tries to be too involved. They also might want to be more of a friend to their kids and possibly lack some appropriate boundaries needed to parent effectively.
The Responsible
They learned to be independent at a very young age and maybe even developed a strong need for control and responsibility as managing their life, grades, and future success was up to them…since nobody else was looking out for them. They might push people away and present a countenance of not really needing anyone, because if they had to depend on someone, they would have to let go of control, and people might disappoint them.
Over Controlled
Others lived in environments that were extremely controlling and with parents who they never felt they could please or live up to the expectations of. These individuals grow up with a strong sense of “not enough” and are always chasing the hope that they will finally be recognized and acknowledged. When that praise never comes, or they receive blame and criticism instead, they start to believe that there is something innately wrong with them…and then spend the rest of their life hustling to feel like they are worthy. If this goes unchecked, they can easily pass these shame triggers down on their own children who often feel the same pressure to be good enough.
Not Safe
Some come from families where safety was questionable at best. If there was sexual or physical abuse that was never addressed, a child’s lack of safety follows them into adulthood. However, if your parents had addiction or mental health struggles that required you as a young child to fend for yourself, fear where your next meal would come from, and never know what to expect…safety and security can also become a foundational need!
Healthy Parenting Requires the Desire to Grow
As a mother of three, I certainly recognized late in the game the need to repair some of my past family of origin stuff. While I didn’t come from Big “T” Traumas, I had to acknowledge the residuals of lots of Little “T” traumas as a child of an anxious mother, who masked anxiety with perfectionism, alcohol, and a lot of shame and blame. I had some work to do to recognize my own shame triggers and the impact “my stuff” was having on how I interacted and responded to my kids. When I stopped “stuffing” my emotions and walking around with resentment on my shoulders, I began to feel lighter and could finally let go of the baggage I carried, and choose to parent differently.
Avoiding Simplicity For Complexity
The way to grow and let go of the past hurts requires the ability to focus on what’s underneath the Anger. It’s so much easier to stay emotionally hooked and annoyed with people, make harsh judgments, and stay stuck in a place where anger and resentment steal any chance of joy.
We can blame others for all that we have to do, the childhood we didn’t get, the spouse or partner that caused us grief…etc. Yet until we stop holding onto the feelings of frustration that we didn’t get what we needed from our parents, or that people in our current lives just can’t meet our expectations…we will never experience the Joy we desire.
It sounds simple to say “breathe, experience the little things, notice the present, and let go of what you carry inside your body.” Actually it really is that simple. Those who are willing to face their part in the story, call out their shame, forgive others, and let go of the burdens they carry, are the ones who find the freedom and peace that they have longed for. They become better parents to their young and adult children by modeling the wisdom of their experience.