Here We Go
It’s that time again, where familial conflict around differing views is at its height. This past Monday President Trump was inaugurated and it feels as if many are struggling with uncertainty. Even in my own family, there is a significant divide that brings up lots of emotions, hurt, and assumptions.
I was part of my spouse’s family group chat and found myself surprised by some of the comments that were flying back and forth. It’s one of those sibling groups that include spouses but the spouses rarely engage, especially around politics. Yet, after a busy day at work, I made a comment to my spouse about some of the bantering I observed back and forth and asked “I’m wondering how you think our son Myles would feel if he was a part of this group?” I think he was initially taken aback, but then I reminded him what privilege looks like and how those without that privilege are at risk of losing so much, including feeling seen and valued.
Yes, I could have chimed into the larger group and brought my Mama Bear Instincts out, but in today’s heated environment, there are battles not worth fighting or engaging in. As someone who sees both sides of the discussion, I often feel a bit conflicted and displaced.
Plea for Mercy
I was raised Episcopalian and I found it quite intriguing that Bishop Budde was chosen for the National Prayer Service. When I listened to her speak she said, “Let me make one final plea, Mr. President…Millions have put their trust in you. And as you told the nation yesterday, you have felt the providential hand of a loving God. In the name of our God, I ask you to have mercy upon the people in our country who are scared now.”
Unfortunately, the response she received for asking for Mercy for others didn’t come without great backlash and nasty comments.
It saddens me that we have a world of very intelligent people who should have the capacity to negotiate, plan and create change with unity, yet instead we are somehow watching behavior that is reactive and coming from a place of sympathetic defensiveness rather than a ventral vagal calm and safe state, which is the only place curiosity can be accessed. Without curiosity and emotional safety, our rational brain is offline, and we’re operating from a place of fight flight which is protective and often misreads cues and the intentions of others.
So What Can We Do?
Navigating political polarization, especially during a contentious time in our country, can be challenging for families. Here’s a structured coping strategy to help family members engage respectfully and maintain harmony despite differing political views:
Family Coping Strategy for Political Polarization
1 Establish Ground Rules
Set Guidelines: Before discussions, agree on ground rules for respectful communication. Emphasize listening without interruption and refraining from insults or personal attacks.
Choose Neutral Terms: Encourage the use of neutral language to avoid emotionally charged reactions.
2 Designate Discussion Times
Create Safe Spaces: Set aside specific times for political discussions, ensuring everyone knows when to tackle these topics.
Limit Duration: Keep discussions focused and time-bound to prevent fatigue and escalation of emotions.
3 Focus on Shared Values
Identify Common Ground: Start conversations by recognizing shared values, such as family, security, and community, which can help reconnect on a personal level.
Discuss Goals, Not Politics: Frame conversations around collective aims rather than political ideologies.
4 Practice Active Listening
Encourage Empathy: Practice active listening by paraphrasing what the other person has said, ensuring they feel heard and understood.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage deeper understanding by asking questions about their views and experiences that shaped them.
5 Promote Critical Thinking
Share Evidence, Not Opinions: When discussing facts, encourage everyone to bring reliable data from multiple sources to support their views.
Engage in Healthy Debate: Focus on arguments rather than personal attacks, fostering an environment of learning rather than confrontation.
6 Embrace Neutral Activities
Participate in Non-Political Activities Together: Engage in activities that unite the family, such as game nights, cooking, or outdoor activities, to foster relationships beyond political debates.
Volunteer Together: Work on community service projects that reflect shared values, promoting collaboration.
7 Communicate in person or via phone face to face, not in text
Facial Cues: Allow each other to see facial expression and the impact of each other’s words on the other person. It’s a lot safer to blast someone via text, and much harder to say harsh words face to face.
8 Encourage Personal Reflection
Journal Thoughts: Encourage family members to write down their feelings and reflections on political discussions, aiding emotional processing and clarity.
Take Breaks. Remind family members it’s okay to step away if the conversation becomes too heated.
9 Seek Professional Help if Necessary
Utilize Family Counseling: If political discussions become disruptive, consider speaking to a family therapist who can provide strategies to enhance communication and understanding.
10 Acknowledge and Adapt
Recognize Progress: Celebrate small wins in communication; acknowledge when family members engage respectfully or reach a mutual understanding.
Adapt Strategies as Needed: Be flexible and willing to adjust coping strategies as family dynamics and political atmospheres change.
By implementing this strategy, families can cultivate an environment where divergent political opinions don’t undermine relationships but instead foster growth, understanding, and respect.
I’ve made my own mistakes this week in our family group chat that set off a slew of comments that didn’t serve to bring any of us closer together. I broke my own rule about not including politics in our adult children’s family group chat. When I make mistakes, I own them and pivot.
We are all humans, just trying to live together. Regardless of your views, please remember humanity and think about how you would like to be treated before treating others unkindly. Everyone is allowed their opinions. Let’s try to remember generous intentions on the part of all players, regardless of whether you agree or not.