As a recovering perfectionist who used to thrive on the persona that I could do and handle just about anything while spinning many plates at the same time, I’m now humored by people when they portray themselves as “having it all together.”
I have been a part of a community of moms who are walking through the transition of either a minor or adult child who is transgender. As a mother of a transgender son who notified us shortly after his 20th Birthday of his new name, I certainly recognize the shock and the need to feel the feels.
As a social worker, therapist, and strong advocate for equity and justice, I found myself in a very different place where the world as I knew it was completely turned upside down. I remember wanting to be supportive and come on board as Myles was so confidently expressing his identity. Yet I was stuck between my social work hat and my mom hat of recognizing the process, the grief, the newness of having another son instead of a daughter. It all happened so fast. Suddenly my husband and I were trying to reconcile what was, what we had known for the past 20 years, and also be able to offer unconditional love at the same time.
I see moms express many different emotions in a group I’m a part of. Most of the women are humbly trying to make sense of their journey and reaching out for wisdom and support. Sometimes, there will be comments from less vulnerable individuals who are armored up, guarded, and verbalizing how they jumped on board immediately, without hesitation, and didn’t have any grief or emotional process.
I recognize that everyone has their own journey, but I’m not gonna lie that my internal voice wants to scream out “Bull-Shit!” It’s that feeling that someone is almost trying to shame others for having “the feels”, when deep down you know they are trying to protect themselves from feeling their own way through shame. My shame resilience meter goes up and I so desperately want to educate and help those stuck find the words and the vulnerable to find the process to walk through rather than around.
Transitions are tough, and honestly pretending you don’t have emotions is not the answer. In order to get to the other side we must vulnerably walk through the messy swamp of the unknown. Remember Brené Brown said:
“Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.”
As someone who has walked many people through vulnerable moments, I know I’m not immune to the process just because I have the cognitive awareness and tools to navigate it. No, I’m human, and like you, I have to go through the steps too. It’s the beauty of being human. We’re all in this together.