On The Heels of Father’s Day
For so many, Father’s Day is an opportunity to celebrate incredible fathers who selfishly gave of themselves and loved unconditionally. However, for many others, it can be a more difficult day…especially if their father wasn’t all they had hoped for. These holidays can be a challenge for those who feel expected to celebrate or remember individuals who may not have provided the love, acceptance or even the emotional support needed. It can also bring about grief for those whose lives have been lost.
My Father
My father was one of the incredible dads who always supported me. He proudly listened as I worked through complex classical piano songs and always chimed in with the greatest supportive comments while I tickled the ivories every morning before school. He was the one who volunteered countless hours for all the extracurricular activities and patiently sat with me while I cried trying to understand geometry and trigonometry. He was a patient man who tolerated more than his share, yet dressed daily in his tailored suit before going off to the bank where he spent 35 years of his life.
He taught me how to fish, dance, ride a bike, embrace the love for camping, and mostly instilled the love for all music and the power of harmony. He instructed me on how to drive a stick shift, rescued me when my old tomato orange Rabbit would die unannounced, and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. He took me to the store to replace shoes my dog ate so mom wouldn’t get rid of my puppy. He always had a smile on his face. I still remember the pride on his face when we danced to “Daddy’s Little Girl” at my debutante ball. He loved to cook and share his masterpieces with the family. He was selfless and always put our needs before his own.
I Don’t Think I Really Knew Him
Dad was my inspiration and filled with pride when I was the first in the family to go to college. I’ll never know exactly the sacrifice he made to send me to school, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way. He walked me down the aisle, gave me away to my husband, and was a very interactive grandfather in my kids’ lives. Life got busy, and as a full-time mom with a career, my time with him was very limited.
He was diagnosed with Metastatic Lung CA 3 weeks before my 41st Birthday. I didn’t know that he wouldn’t be around to celebrate my 41st with me. Our kids were 15 and 13 when he passed, and it seems like so much was robbed from us that day.
I wish I had known him better. I mean really knew who he was; what he dreamed about, and what he still desired in his lifetime. Reba McEntire has a fabulous song “The Greatest Man I Never Knew” that I used to love and relate to. I guess I always hoped I had more time. Dad didn’t live long after retirement, and all his dreams and hopes seemed to have been stifled as my mother didn’t like to fly, cruise, or do many of the things I’m sure he wanted to do at this stage of his life. I thought there’d be time later in life to get to know him.
Now that my kids are grown and life is a little less hectic, I would have loved the opportunity to have really given back to him. Yet God had a different plan, and he died at 73. One thing I’m truly happy about was the fact that he was able to rekindle a relationship with his estranged cousin from New Jersey. Their friendship meant the world to him, and I know it brought him so much joy in his last decade of life.
Biological, Step, or Chosen
Whatever your experience with your own father, we all need people in our life we can look up to. Sometimes, we’re fortunate enough to have experienced that love first-hand from our biological parents. Others have been blessed with incredible step-parents that loved them and raised them as their own. Still, others have been given the opportunity to look up to someone important in their life who represents all the kind, loving aspects of who they needed while receiving the necessary wisdom they longed for.
When we weren’t given what we needed as a child, it’s up to us to get those needs met in other relationships. Regardless of your situation, we all have choices to grieve, feel the feelings, embrace what was true, let go of what wasn’t ideal, and find some level of peace in the life ahead.
If you’re struggling with unresolved relational issues with your father, now is the time to seek support and work through those negative feelings and beliefs, so you can move forward with grace and peace in all relationships.
You can find out more about how EMDR can help with relational trauma here.