If you haven’t already grabbed your copy, go to Amazon and pick up a copy or two of Brené Brown’s new book Atlas of the Heart. I sent copies to all my adult kids and their partners for date night. No, I don’t get a kickback for advertising her, but her work absolutely has changed my life and the lives of many of my clients.
Disappointment
It’s such an ugly word, and most of us will do anything in our power to avoid the feelings associated with it. In Atlas of the Heart, Brené defines Disappointment as unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.
The Picture In My Head
Disappointment arises when the picture we create in our head isn’t matched by the actions, behaviors and or outcomes controlled by others. In other words, the Hallmark Christmas story of the husband picking out the perfect gift and everyone living happily ever after is a great fairy tale that might not play out in your life.
Here’s how this used to go for me…
I would get very specific and do everything in my power to ensure that all three kids had an equal number of presents and an equitable amount spent on their gifts. I also worked hard to get my husband the “perfect Christmas gifts” and would almost kill myself trying to create an experience that brought joy and smiles to all on that day.
The Big Reveal
Then it was time for mom “me” to open my gift…don don don! My husband would appear with a card and everyone would wait in anticipation of my reaction. I remember practicing disappointment, as I knew if my expectations were low, then I couldn’t be too disappointed.
Then the glorious moment of opening the card arrived and to my dismay I found a few random gift cards to stores I liked shopping at. My disappointment was more about the lack of effort and that I had likely been an afterthought on Christmas Eve, while my husband was purchasing a six-pack of beer, and saw some cards in the aisle.
Overcoming Disappointment
I was embarrassed to even share my disappointment as I felt that I should have gratitude and not lean into disappointment, but let’s be honest…it really was kind of a sad gift. Then one day I was talking to one of my best friends and I shared this story. To my surprise she got vulnerable too and said “her husband goes out on Christmas Eve and buys whatever is left on the rack in sizes XXL/Plus (she was a size 6) and then gives her the gift receipts and says you can return it and get a size you like.” Ugh! Seriously!
So that day we decided we wouldn’t leave our hopes and dreams for the holidays in our husbands’ hands any more. We decided that we needed to get involved and acknowledge our feelings, expectations and even disappointment in the story we made up about their love and gift giving intentions. From that day forward, I will say that we may not have many surprises, but we are now able to ask for what we want, and sometimes have to be very specific (like placing it in the Amazon Cart) and telling them to hit send! Lol!
Disappointments and Paper Cuts
In Atlas of the Heart, Brené identifies that disappointments are like paper cuts, in that they are painful but not long-lasting. She also says that if those cuts are deep enough or if we accumulate them over a lifetime, they can leave us seriously wounded. Therefore, we need to be courageous and speak up about our expectations in order to lean into vulnerability and maintain meaningful connection.