You can read part one of this two-part blog post here.
Tomboys Aren’t Boys
As a cisgender female who was quite a tomboy growing up, I appreciate getting dirty, working up a sweat from a great workout, and embracing activities that some might feel are masculine gender roles. In fact, I remember growing up with a mother who really had no tolerance for my “tomboy” side, who at every opportunity was quick to try to mold me into feminine gender roles, including a debutante ball my senior year of high school. Looking back, I think her influence pulled me away from softball and other sports she didn’t find acceptable for her daughter. Seeking acceptance from her was a huge hustle for me for so much of my youth and early adult life.
Despite my love for non gender specific activities and athletics, I never questioned that I was attracted to men or that I felt anything other than a female inside my body. Did I struggle with body image and self-esteem? Of course. But there was never ever a sense that I wasn’t a female, and despite my most masculine presentation… I never wanted to be misgendered as a male.
Getting To Know Myles
Even before Myles took on his new name and identity, he would tell me that he loved it when people at the grocery store where he worked misgendered him and thought he was a man. I couldn’t understand this at all. Again, I had never questioned my gender identity, and therefore didn’t understand any of what he was feeling. When he informed me that he “slouched his shoulders in order to hide his breasts” and “bound his breasts tightly to his body” to hide the incredible dysmorphia he felt when looking in the mirror, I was saddened and yet still curious as to what this experience was like.
As we talked about hormonal replacement and gender affirming surgery, I began a huge journey into research and educated myself on everything I could. In June of 2021, Myles underwent a double mastectomy through an incredible surgeon in San Francisco. I flew to California to care for him and was blown away by the ultimate joy in his face when his breast tissue was no longer present, and he could stop binding his breasts. It was truly a beautiful experience to watch my son feel the most comfortable I had ever seen him in his own skin.
Emotional Safety
Shortly after his surgery, Myles came to live with us in Idaho where he rehabilitated and continued working FT on his BSW Degree. Through all of this journey, he never experienced suicidal thoughts, although he suffered from extreme anxiety. If you talk to Myles, he will tell you he is “a very privileged transgender man” because of the support he had from all of our family. Statistically, 40% of transgender persons have attempted suicide and 82% have considered suicide. However, if even one parent is willing to learn and support their child’s transition, the risk of suicide significantly decreases.
Physical Safety
When we would discuss physical safety, Myles would tell me about his real fear of being found out…being beaten or even killed by people who just didn’t understand, or were very ignorant and unwilling to accept him. At this point, he presented as a male pretty well, so he could no longer use a female restroom, yet going into men’s restrooms presented their own challenges. Since he can’t use a urinal, he must wait for a stall. He would tell me that sometimes he would wait up to 20 minutes for someone to come out of a men’s stall, constantly having to explain to others arriving at the bathroom that they could go ahead of him as he was still waiting for a stall. More often than not, he ends up leaving the restroom without being able to actually go to the bathroom as his anxiety will cause him to flee as a protective mechanism.
If you had asked me 5 years ago if we should have all gender restrooms or force everyone to choose Male/Female, I might have had a different answer. Truly, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Yet today, I have such a profound understanding and respect for all gender restrooms as a mama bear who loves her son and wants him to be safe when he accesses a bathroom…something cisgender individuals have never had to fear.
There’s a Lot of Incorrect Info
Today you will hear so much noise about statistics, professional athletic advantages, restrictions on hormonal therapy for youth, and of course the biblical citations and literature professed. Yet there is a lot of incorrect information. When people talk about fears that “Transgender people are pedophiles” or that gender nonconformity is “stealing our kids,” I cringe. In fact, recently I was told by my office landlord that I needed to remove my All Gender restroom signs as they were offensive to his family belief system.
It’s truly a struggle for me, as so many people are uninformed. I think if you aren’t exposed to someone from the transgender community, it’s easy to live in your comfort zone or within the confines of your limited beliefs. Yet if you choose to learn, you will find that so much information is wrong. Even statistics that are quoted are often from very poor studies, and they are often taken out of context to prove the point the author or group discussing it wants the reader to believe.
Educate Yourself
If you are looking for a great source to help you understand the Transgender population, I highly recommend Brynn Tannenhill’s book “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Trans – But Were Afraid to Ask.” In her book, she breaks down deeply held misconceptions about trans people across all aspects of life and sheds light on biased research, bad statistics, and bad science.
Today, Myles is halfway through his Masters in Social Work program and he will graduate at the young age of 23 with his MSW. He is a motivated, passionate man who is one of the most likable individuals. He is loved by his professors, every boss and clinical supervisor, and essentially everyone he meets. If you met him today, you wouldn’t know he was transgender. He’s just trying to live his life impacting the lives of others, and he will be an incredible asset to Authentic Gains LLC when he is eligible to start seeing clients in 2024.