Anxiety is All About Uncertainty
We live in a world where people want certainty. When a client comes in with a strong need to control their circumstances, or with a desire to try to prepare for all possible outcomes of a situation, it’s usually all about their intolerance of uncertainty and discomfort with vulnerability.
Brené Brown defined Vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. She said that in order to have connection with others, we need to be vulnerable. So if we want to feel connected and seen by others, we essentially need to take risks, be vulnerable and allow others to see all of us…including our flaws.
Yet, that’s exactly what so many are trying to avoid. Hence the ongoing sensation of anxiety that shows up as avoiding social situations, perseverating on things that you can’t change or control, worrying about things that haven’t happened, being good enough, or even being irritable and resentful that your To-Do List is never accomplished, and people in your life just can’t meet your needs.
Assumptions vs. Asking Directly
A common theme in anxious clients is the belief that other people in their lives “should” know what they need. When a client tells a partner they want something, and their partner doesn’t abide by the client’s desired timeframe…it’s easy to jump to assumptions about the intentions of their partner. So in session, we might dissect the actual ask and determine what was the outcome a client was desiring. Sometimes what they actually wanted was not at all what they asked for. Then there was some assumption that their partner was supposed to infer from what they asked about what they really needed.
Anxiety then starts to increase as their needs are not being addressed and they start to feel ignored, unimportant, or even unseen. However, when we talk through their desired needs, and address the fear of the risk, emotional exposure and uncertainty of asking for what they really want or need…they begin to recognize that asking directly is much more beneficial. It’s true that they still might not get what they need, and there’s a risk that their partner may or may not respond the way they hoped. Yet, at least they now have more information and can either further discuss how their partner’s response impacts them emotionally, and or set boundaries for what’s okay or not okay with them about their partner’s behavior.
Uncertainty and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
As a therapist I’m always stepping into uncertainty as I learn new techniques and step out of my comfort zone. I recently took a 16-hour training course to learn Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), the Gold Standard for treating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I think part of me felt like I had great techniques as a Certified EMDR therapist as I exposed people to their emotional fears through processing. I’ve had pretty good success in treating clients with OCD. However, I was blown away by some of the significant differences that ERP’s philosophy taught about treating the uncertainty. OCD is all about uncertainty, irrational thoughts and compulsions to try to stop the thoughts from coming true.
In my ERP training the instructor called Generalized Anxiety Disorder “OCD Light.” Now that was extremely interesting to me as I can see how some of the treatment techniques can be used to treat phobias and perseverations that people with Generalized Anxiety have. One very different component of ERP is the motivational aspect of the client leaning into the anxiety with statements such as ”I want this anxiety and I can handle this anxiety so that I can …” In other words, the client who wants to run away from anxiety is now welcoming the anxiety and all the sensations it brings with “why” statements to help them stay present in the anxiety. Over multiple exposures to the stressor and the anxious feelings, the client starts to desensitize to the stress. They are to avoid doing the compulsion that they want to do to cope with the anxiety, and use scripts and motivational statements to keep them in the exposed state, while telling themselves “they can handle this.”
Uncertainty in a New Arena
If you’ve been working with me, it’s quite possible that we’ve talked about being in an arena and how once you’ve opened the arena door and stepped inside something new, you can’t really go backwards. For me, learning something new and implementing techniques that feel unfamiliar is a new arena. Yet, I’ve already seen some great movement with clients while using it.
Like many of my clients, I have to fight through my own fears sometimes in order to stay in the arena and live with uncertainty. When I’m here I often use the same techniques I teach. I have to breathe and anchor myself to the ventral vagal state. I even remind myself that I may or may not be successful with this technique today but I want this anxiety, and that I can handle this discomfort, because I want to grow, learn, and better help clients who need alternative treatment.
Embrace Uncertainty
There are no guarantees in the arena. You may take risks and everything goes as hoped. You may take risks and fall flat on your face, or feel discouraged that the outcome didn’t go as well as you had hoped. Yet, regardless of the outcome…being courageous and walking into uncertainty helps you to show up authentically, and lean into anxiety. When you face anxiety, talk to your anxiety, and trust in your ability to handle it even when you’re scared…you begin to decrease its power over you.
If you want to find out more about working with Gina, you can book a free initial call here.