Parents of LGBTQIA+
Sometimes it’s anticipated, and often it comes as a surprise. Regardless of how supportive you want to be when they “Come Out”, your heart takes a while to catch up. There’s so much to learn, feel, and even grieve as you move toward acceptance of what was and what now is.
Jaqueline
“I wanted to be supportive and accepting, yet so many emotions were spinning throughout my head. Is this real? Is it a phase? What will the road ahead look life for her? Will she be able to handle the critics?”
The grief is real, and it can’t be ignored. Your child has had months to years to process this, and you are just learning of the lifestyle. Expectations and hopes of what you envisioned your child’s future looking like need to be grieved and buried. Acceptance is a journey and can’t be rushed.
Justice
“Not my son.” “I think I’ve always known deep down but wasn’t willing to acknowledge it. Then he came out to me first because he was so afraid of what his father would say.”
Accepting your son during this huge step of courage is incredibly important. Finding space to grieve, check in with your own emotions, and having a place to process your feelings is imperative.
Kristin
“She was raised in the church. I don’t understand how to get my head wrapped around this? I don’t feel safe telling some of our family or friends as they will only quote scripture and place judgment. I’m wrestling with so many of my own feelings, and don’t know how to make sense of them.”
Critics are everywhere, and your own confusion regarding spiritual beliefs and acceptance of your child’s identity leaves you feeling isolated and alone. Feelings of anxiety, fear, and a sense of not knowing where you belong consume you. The church has been your source of peace, but now you feel you have to keep a secret.
Seek empathy and support
I have personally walked through the coming out of two adult children. As a social worker who has spent my career advocating for diversity, I found myself in a new position, trying to reckon with my own emotions. When our oldest daughter came out as gay it seemed easier for me as she remained feminine, and there were no physical changes. Yet when our youngest child who was assigned female at birth (AFAB) came out, he initially identified as bisexual, then gay. Just when I was getting comfortable with what I thought was another gay daughter… he cut his hair short, and began a journey that was even more unfamiliar to me as he leaned into his true gender identity.
After 20 years of knowing him by a different name, he is now my son Myles. He transitioned as an adult into a male through top surgery and hormone replacement therapy. While I’ll never understand the emotional struggle he went through up to this point, I am amazed by his courage and ability to fight for the identity he has always known, but was too afraid to acknowledge.
Regardless of my own naivety regarding transgender persons at that time, I knew he needed 100% of my support and to know that he was unconditionally loved. It was definitely a process and steep learning curve to rethink everything I had known for the past 20 years. It required that I recognize my own grief… and learn to walk into the loss of expectations, fears of societal judgment, and concerns for how to reconcile my beliefs with others. I started reading everything and anything I could to better understand his world.
I don’t get it right all the time. I do ask a lot of questions, and seek support when my emotions feel out of balance. Wherever you are on your journey, getting support and having a safe place to express emotions is the key to being the accepting parent you desire to be.