For Better or Worse
In the beginning of a romantic relationship, nobody ever expects their love to be challenged by betrayal or emotional abuse. It starts out so subtle, and the warning signs can go unnoticed or even be dismissed because “this couldn’t really be happening to you.”
Often clients identify that they are blamed for things that don’t make sense, and when they try to express their emotions they’re immediately dismissed by their partner with statements such as “That’s not what happened,” “You’re too sensitive!” or “You’re acting crazy.” Over time, they start to believe “there’s something wrong with them.”
Subtle Gaslighting
Clients who tend to struggle with self-esteem or have negative beliefs about being “Too much.” “Too emotional,” or just “Not enough,” can find themselves in relationships with people who might be more confident and or appear more put together. The biggest red flag for gaslighting comes from a partner’s lack of responsibility for their part in situations.
Partners who never take accountability or use manipulative words such as “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you” or justify their behavior by saying “I did that because I was trying to help you” are not apologizing or assuming any responsibility for their words or actions. Their words only increase your self-doubt and cause you to question your interpretation of the situation.
Gaslighting and Control
When one partner speaks down to the other, or helps to reinforce all of the emotionally weaker partner’s negative issues, further power differentiation can take place. Often I hear individuals talk about how they had dreams or career goals, but were told “they shouldn’t have those goals, because their partner provides everything they need.”
When clients are in relationships where they are dependent financially on a partner who carries all the power, they often feel incapable. Any attempt to try to better themselves or step out of the box or role they have been placed in, may result in their partner getting upset or using manipulative tactics such as “I just want you to be available for me when I need you.”
Substance Abuse
Betrayal and gaslighting have a strong presence in the dynamics where one partner struggles with overuse of alcohol or other substances. When a partner is addicted to a substance, they might be very good at trying to minimize the non-problem drinker’s perspective or concerns. If the sober partner has any family history of substance abuse, the substance abusing partner might use this as ammo to blame the non-using partner’s family history as a reason for their “sensitivity” or “issue” with their drinking.
Since alcohol can be seen as such an acceptable adult activity when socializing, the non-problem drinker might find themselves questioning whether their partner’s drinking is really a problem or just in their head.
Betrayal
When a partner has an affair, whether it’s emotional or physical, there is usually a much bigger underlined problem in the marriage. Emotional and physical affairs happen as a result of the partner needing something they are not receiving in the marriage. Sometimes it’s just the attention, or the way someone makes them feel that makes someone feel seen, heard, and more confident.
Affairs require repair work on the part of both partners to look at and take accountability of their own actions, beliefs, and perceptions of their marriage and their partner. Right or wrong, when marriages become emotionally or physically stagnant, are filled with constant bickering and disappointment, or there is a long standing sense of rejection or abandonment…someone might get their needs met elsewhere.
Restoring a marriage or rebuilding your life post-divorce will likely require therapy in order to look at old patterns or thinking and behaving, and learning to not repeat the same patterns in a future relationship.
Therapy
Therapy is an important tool for helping to build and strengthen an existing self-esteem issue. Relationships should never feel unbalanced in power. When this exists and is finally acknowledged, it is time to look at how one ended up in this situation and how to either shift your behaviors to increase your power in an existing relationship, or find the necessary skills for healthier relationships in the future.
If this is an area where you would like further support, you can find out more here about working with me.