Remembering Life Without Phones
My kids will never know or understand a world without the technology they grew up with and became so accustomed to. Yet I remember being a kid, playing in the neighborhood for hours, and only coming home when it was time for dinner. There was no instant access to all the information, reels, and world of technology. We cared about playing ball, hide and seek, and drinking out of a hose when we were thirsty. We rotated houses and the neighbors took turns feeding us…but nobody really tracked us or knew where we were.
Connection at the End of the Day
My Dad would come home from work and he and my mom would sit for 90 minutes and talk about their day, watch the news together, have a cocktail, and then we would all have dinner as a family. There was no distraction to keep them in the same room, but disconnected from each other.
Connection came from human contact either face to face, or when we picked up the old wall phones with their long cords and walked as far as the cord would let us roam while engaging attentively with someone. There were no quick texts, or short answers that could be misinterpreted by the story we made up. There was a real voice on the other side of the phone, with appropriate inflection and pauses. We clarified in real time if we didn’t understand rather than seething with misinformation and making assumptions about the other’s intent.
We’re All Guilty
I’m just as guilty as you when it comes to getting sucked into the world of technology, laughing at funny reels of animals doing silly things, or people making fun of Generation X. It’s available at the touch of a screen, and we’ve become addicted to the instant gratification of it all. Yet what is happening to relationships? There is an increase in distance, misunderstanding, and disconnection where couples are beginning to feel like roommates in a home rather than intimate partners. The disconnection is causing all sorts of discourse in marriages.
Parnell’s Take On It
Dr. Laurell Parnell, a psychologist who specializes in attachment identifies how phones and the internet can contribute to both intimacy and disconnection in relationships. On one hand, phones and the internet provide opportunities for constant communication and connection, allowing couples to stay in touch and share moments of their lives with each other. This can enhance intimacy by facilitating emotional connection and sharing of experiences.
However, Parnell also acknowledges that phones and the internet can create a sense of disconnection in relationships. The constant availability of technology can lead to distractions and a lack of presence in interactions with a partner. This can create feelings of loneliness, isolation, and disconnection even when physically present with a partner.
Self Check
- Do you or your partner constantly have their phone next to them even if you are watching TV together?
- Are you able to refrain from checking text messages, emails, and or mindlessly scrolling when you aren’t engaged in something else?
- Do you or your partner get defensive when the other one makes a comment about putting away the phone, or when you/they ask for attentiveness?
- Do either of you respond with “I’m just checking….or responding to….when whatever that was could be attended to later or the next day?
- Do you desire more connection, communication, and aren’t sure how to return to what used to be?
Ways to Set Boundaries
Having a discussion when neither of you is feeling shame about their behavior is ideal. Talk with your partner about what it feels like to live in the home and feel like both of you are distracted all the time. Set some ground rules for when to check or play on the phone, and when to actually be present. Place your phones away from your body in a place that is accessible in an emergency, but not available at your fingertips. Take walks, go on dates, put your phones away when you are eating or on a walk together.
There are so many things you can do, but first, both of you must commit to this change. Phone behavior has crept into our lives and once we got a taste of it, it has become this instant gratification that has increased impulsive behavior of checking and always being glued to the screen. Decide how you want your relationship to be more connected and make some small adjustments that both of you can live with. Notice the impact and add additional changes once you’ve mastered the small ones.