Big “T” Trauma vs. Little “T” Trauma
Most people understand and can recognize that Trauma which occurs from Physical abuse, Sexual Abuse, or physical neglect at any age can have a huge impact on one’s ability to cope and function without distress in life. Exposure to traumatic events such as a significant accident, natural disaster, religious cult, or military combat, are also notable situations that could lead to a post-traumatic response, panic, severe anxiety or depression.
So when people have experienced these types of situations there is often more buy-in or acceptance of the possible need for professional therapy in order to restore one’s nervous system back into homeostasis and keep them out of a constant state of arousal.
However Little “T” Trauma is not always as well recognized, and often people don’t seek professional support until something unravels in important relationships in their personal or professional life.
Little “T” Trauma
Sometimes we grow up looking back at our childhood and say “It was good.” Many people reflect on their upbringing and can possibly acknowledge cognitively that their parents did the best they could raising them, with whatever skills or traumas their parents had in their lives.
Yet, despite the fact that they had a roof over their head, food on the table, and don’t have any known Big “T” Traumas…sometimes they experienced relational trauma from parents who either couldn’t attach well, were preoccupied with their own emotional distress and work, or who didn’t really have the skills to provide the nurturing that was needed.
Often clients come to me with a sense of feeling emotionally lonely, angry or distant from others. They also may have huge gaps in their memories of childhood.
Emotionally Immature Parents
If you haven’t read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson, PsyD, I highly recommend it!
In her book, she speaks about the impact of Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. This leads to parents who couldn’t handle your fears, big emotions, disappointment, sadness or anger…so they pulled away or shamed you.
Preoccupied parents are the ones who never sit down, are always busy with their drive for perfection, and present as controlling. Their behavior can be frightening, as if you are always walking on eggshells, and cause individuals to never feel good enough.
Conflict-avoidant parents might not yell or scream or display any emotions, however, their need to make things good, manage other’s emotions, or keep the peace…can leave kids feeling that any emotion is wrong, bad, or that there is something wrong with them for having big feelings they’re not allowed to express.
Rejecting parents are very difficult to please, and are incapable of providing the love and tenderness a child longs for. When this pattern is observed over and over in a household, a child can start to believe that they are not worthy of love, or deserving of affection.
Adult Relational Trauma
Our childhood experiences definitely affect our ability to form healthy relationships with partners, friends and employers. When things trigger us in our current life, we respond from an almost childlike part of us that is re-experiencing the wounds of a foundational relationship from the past.
It shows up in marriages or other significant partnerships as each comes to the relationship with past hurts, wounds and vulnerabilities. Some people are good at looking at their part in a relationship struggle, but often one or both get activated by the other’s behaviors, words or non-verbal expression…and this leads to many negative beliefs such as: abandoned, not worthy, misunderstood, not important, not mattering, not good enough, unloveable, or even I’m too much or it’s my fault.
EMDR is a great modality for relational trauma. It can help clients learn where some of these beliefs came from, change perspective and/or go back and reparent the child part that didn’t get their needs met. Through this process we can also help to equalize the power differential in a relationship by helping a more submissive partner become empowered to have a voice, while teaching dominant partners more adaptive ways to express themselves and feel safe in their vulnerability.
To find out more about how EMDR can help with relational trauma, click here.