It’s A Lot
As we prepare for the final stretch of this holiday season many of you are likely feeling the stress of all the planning, parties, gift purchasing and coordination of the holiday menu. Sometimes all the to-do list activities can rob us of our joy, relaxation and presence with friends and family.
Over the past few years, I have committed to a more simplified version of the holidays in order to allow myself permission to experience all the smells, tastes, and peace that should come with this time of year, instead of it being filled with exhaustion, dread, and resentment.
Bad Mom’s Christmas
I often reflect on the movie “Bad Mom Christmas” for the most over-the-top expression of holidays gone bad! If you haven’t seen this movie, and you can tolerate a little humor…I believe you can find yourself relating to at least one of the characters. The movie captures perfectionism, worthiness, resentment, anger, hopelessness, powerlessness, enmeshment, and emotional neglect very well. It demonstrates how as adult daughters we want so badly to please our parents and others, and yet also want simplicity and to feel that the holidays can be joyful rather than a burden.
5 Things You Can Do
Simplification requires you to first decide what you don’t want, and then to make decisions for what capacity you have to embrace the holidays without losing yourself. These are the top 5 things you can do to help yourself this season and in seasons to come.
1 Optimize your decorations with simplicity. Decide the most important decorations and your desire to not only put them up, but your capacity to actually take them back down after the holidays.
2 Make an agreement with large families for secret santa gift exchanges and simplify not only the pressure of finding the “perfect” gift, but save time with shopping for fewer people.
3 Spend less on non-essentials and fluff and budget an amount that can be saved for, so you aren’t going into debt over the holidays and starting the new year in the Red.
4 Focus on more personal connections, conversations, and experiences with the family and loved ones rather than trying to create the perfect ambiance, meal, table setting, etc.
5 Prioritize what is most important, and let go of expectations for things you think everyone wants.
How I’m Taking My Own Advice
This year, holiday decorations were more simple. I usually put up a tree in my office, but recognized that with my limited walking and stamina that it was going to be okay to just put up a few decorations. I also delegated some of the home decorating to other family members in order to assist with the process and not feel like I had to take it all on myself.
My adult kids and I decided a few years back that we would do secret santa gift exchanges between the kids. It has proven to be fun, and exciting as we use an elf app that randomly assigns everyone so nobody gets their partner, and then everyone can place suggestions in the app so the “little elf” knows what they want. We put a cap on the gift so everyone knows what to expect. The hard part is keeping the secret when gifts are arriving out of state from Amazon and other online stores.
I determined that all the extra gifts and fluff that go into the holidays might not be so important. This year I made popcorn baskets for a family movie night for some of the local neighbors. It was a practical gift that I thought the whole family could enjoy since everyone loves popcorn with a movie.
This holiday, while I will only have 2 of our 3 kids here, I initially thought that I needed to overcompensate and create the most exciting experience. At first, I looked into snowmobiling for everyone. When I realized that this little excursion would cost me over $2500 for the day, I decided against it. I felt that I could better create fun memories in other ways, and that my family really just wants to be together, laughing, playing games and connecting.
Finally, when it comes to expectations…checking in with the kids about meals, food, and traditions was important. We will always do homemade lasagna for Christmas Eve as that’s my Italian family heritage tradition. We enjoy Rib Eye Roast for Christmas Day with lots of fixings and goodies. Yet this year, everyone will be a part of making that lasagna with me, and baking cookies together, so I don’t have to feel all the weight of the work alone. I think everyone appreciates this more anyway when they’ve all contributed.
Some Plans and Some Space
Give yourself some room to breathe, walk, and access your zen around other busy activities. I planned a few big meals, a nice dinner out to a Brazilian Steak house, and then left some days just wide open for spontaneity and choice. I have told the kids that if they just wanted to stay in our PJs one day and watch movies all day…I’m good with that too! Now the old me, when my kids were small, would have had to please parents, grandparents, and all the other family members, by rushing off on Christmas Day and traveling for hours in traffic just to see everyone. Today, our gatherings are smaller, but there is so much more freedom to just be, enjoy each other, and space to feel love, joy and gratitude.
Whatever your holiday brings, please remember that you have the power to take care of yourself and give yourself compassion to have fun and ask for help. You don’t have to take everything on just because it’s what you have always done. No, make this year the year that you delegate and start some new traditions.