Common Reason People Come To Therapy
One reason many of my clients come to therapy, as they are trying to redefine themselves, is the lack of Joy they feel in their lives. They’ve accomplished many things in their lives, have successful careers, are usually financially secure, and yet they still feel that life has somehow short changed them, and that they are missing something that other people experience. Many state, “I just don’t feel Joy, and I want to learn how to have Joy.” The main thing people who are missing Joy have in common is the fear of walking into vulnerability.
Brené Brown says:
“when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. No emotion is more frightening than joy, because we believe if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster. We start dress-rehearsing tragedy in the best moments of our lives in order to stop vulnerability from beating us to the punch. We are terrified of being blindsided by pain so we practice tragedy and trauma.”
Gratitude
I see the above pattern over and over again in my clients. When there are these small mundane moments of what could be defined as Joy, they are quick to dismiss these moments and their thoughts go right to waiting for the next shoe to drop. Even though we talk about the importance of Gratitude as a practice in order to start feeling Joy, so many are resistant to the process. Often they know what they are supposed to do, but then their mind tells them “I don’t have time for that,” so they try to muscle through and avoid the one thing that has such a huge impact on finding the joy they so desperately desire.
Strategies For Joy
- Notice Joy and Name It: When we falter to Foreboding Joy we are usually on auto-pilot and have missed the opportunity to become aware of the small moments. If we can notice it, we can be more mindful and choose to recognize it.
- Get Curious: When we stop and get curious about what Foreboding Joy behaviors are trying to protect us from, there might be some wisdom behind it. We can acknowledge the fears we so desperately want to run from and start to pay attention to them. Behind the fear is usually a desire of where our hearts would like to go if they felt safe to do so.
- Grieve: When we find ourselves trying to swallow the bubble in our throats to push tears away, that is likely an indication that we are pre-grieving an unknown future tragedy (Foreboding Joy), and we may need to face past grief and the hard parts of our stories. When we start to feel our way through them, we learn that we were more courageous than we thought and we can take this courage with us into our future. Therefore, we have more capacity to risk Joy in the future, once we know we can survive grief.
- Connect: When we connect with people we feel safe with and can trust to get vulnerable with, we can begin to share about the scary feelings that joy brings. The common humanity of that person acknowledging and echoing back some of the same fears helps us to connect and feel less shame.
- Practice Gratitude: Gratitude isn’t some willy-nilly appreciation of the same rote list of things each day. No, it should be the awareness of the smallest but most beautiful aspect of life, and should feel real, not forced. While it might feel awkward and strange at first, it becomes a muscle that strengthens with use. The more we practice gratitude authentically, the more enlightened we are to the emotion of joy.
- Ease into Joy: Joy doesn’t always come with the rush of a Cold Water Plunge! No, it’s more like easing your way into a cold body of water, where we feel our way in, and each movement requires a bit of courage. If we give in to fear, we will likely pull back. Yet if we keep risking movement forward, eventually our toes lead us into the water and we start to choose to feel all the feels, awakening ourselves to both the good and the bad that life has to offer. This takes grit, but it’s worth it!
If this sounds familiar to you, don’t beat yourself up. Just make a decision at this moment to start paying more attention to the small things that occur in the mundane everyday experiences. It could be the smile that shows up when you watch kids laughing, or your favorite pet doing something silly. It could just be the fact that your partner made dinner, or did something small. It could just be the little moment when your child crawls up in your lap and says “I love you.” It might just be the recognition of the beauty of nature, the feeling of wet dew on the grass or a snowflake (now that I’m in Idaho) landing on your nose.
However, these little glimpses of joy show up, choose to notice them. You will start seeing more joy when you stop ignoring all that is beautiful around you.