Something Grows in the Space
I recently listened to a lecture that talked about the weeds that grow in the Gap of disappointment. It reminded me of so much of the work I do to help clients see their choices when it comes to healing wounds.
When someone in our life lets us down time after time, our bitterness and resentment start to grow in the gap between our expectations and our reality. Usually the weeds find their way in as a way of avoiding the real emotions and/or grief.
Defensiveness vs. Boundaries
Anger is often felt as the safer emotion for people who don’t want to feel the real hurt and pain of the disappointment. We don’t like to feel exposed or to have our insecurities known, so we stuff them down and cover them up with defenses. Sometimes we set hard boundaries to remove important people completely from our lives. But does that ever really make you feel at peace?
Softening of the Heart “Grace”
Grace doesn’t mean we excuse someone’s behavior! No, we still need to hold people accountable and inform them of how their behavior impacts us, while setting limits on what is okay and not okay with us. Yet most won’t go back to have that conversation, so they live with anger and anxiety.
The harder part is to fill in the gaps of that person’s story and start to understand more about their history, deficits, and struggle. When we can understand more of the “Why” behind someone’s behavior, we just might be able to recognize they are broken and imperfect. Then there is a slight softening of our heart with just a little Grace and we begin the process of the harder work of grief for who they may never be.
Our Own Thorns
The irony is we have our own Thorns. You know the things we want to hide from others all the while we are judging people for not doing things right! Our own shame and lack of Grace for ourself can force us into a life of trying to prove ourself through our works.
The lecture I heard defined Grace as an Action. In other words, we need to recognize our own thorns and give ourselves grace for them before we can begin to extend Grace to others. This is a necessary practice if we want to move toward a joyful life.