A common issue among many women seeking therapy is their concerns about intimacy and or changes in, or lack of libido. Some women are young and just struggling with their own insecurities and or feelings of shame around their sexuality, desires, and or individual needs. Men seeking treatment often struggle with partners who have little or no interest in sexual intimacy. These individuals can feel powerless in their relationship as they have tried multiple ways to increase their partner’s sexual interest, and yet have not seen any change.
Shame
Shame surrounding female sexuality is a pervasive and deeply rooted issue that often stifles women’s exploration and expression of their sexual selves. Cultural, societal, and religious influences, along with gender inequality, contribute to the development of this shame. While this topic may feel uncomfortable, I felt it was important to address some of the complex issues of women’s shame surrounding sexuality. I also want to offer ways to empower women to embrace their authentic selves and lead fulfilling lives.
Origins of Shame
Shame surrounding female sexuality can be traced back to historical and cultural narratives that seek to control women’s bodies and desires. Societal expectations, gender roles, and double standards perpetuate the idea that women should be modest, pure, and submissive, which can create a sense of shame and guilt when it comes to exploring and expressing their sexual identities.
Familial messages around sexuality as well as strong moralistic beliefs and or religious messages can have a significant impact on how women feel about themselves and their bodies. Women who came from families where no communication around sexual wellbeing and behavior was ever discussed are often left feeling insecure and experiencing shame around their sexuality. They might have never understood their bodies, their needs, and or felt empowered to verbally express their individual desires, leaving them feeling unsatisfied and even uninterested in sex.
Changing Societal Messages
To overcome shame, we must challenge societal norms that place an unfair burden on women’s sexuality. This involves questioning and resisting harmful beliefs that deem female desire as inappropriate or sinful. Celebrating sexual diversity and advocating for equality create a supportive environment where women can freely express their desires without judgment or condemnation.
I also believe women need more comprehensive sex education to empower them and reduce the shame surrounding their sexuality. By providing accurate and inclusive information about anatomy, consent, safe sex, and pleasure, we can equip women with the knowledge and confidence needed to make informed decisions about their sexual health and relationships.
A popular book I recommend often is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD. Emily’s way of educating women and normalizing the questions most women have about themselves, their body and sexual pleasure is eye-opening to so many women. She does a fantastic job of desensitizing shame around masturbation, and the importance of women understanding their body and sexual pleasure. Normalizing these topics through open conversations, education, and media representation helps combat shame and encourages women to embrace and celebrate their bodies and experiences.
Embracing Self-Love and Body Positivity
Shame surrounding sexuality is often tied to body image insecurities and unrealistic beauty standards. Encouraging self-love, body positivity, and appreciation of diverse body types can help women overcome feelings of shame related to their physical appearance. Acceptance and celebration of their bodies empower women to embrace their sexuality with confidence.
Shifts in the body due to childbirth, menopause, disease, or illness can also have a huge impact on women’s desire for sex. Talking about these issues openly with a professional can help to reduce shame and identify additional solutions and ways to overcome barriers to intimacy.
Healing Through Therapy
For many women, addressing and healing from deep-rooted shame may require professional help. Therapists experienced in sexual and mental health can provide a safe space to explore and process feelings of shame. The problem often is someone’s unwillingness to seek treatment and or speak up about the hard discussions that are vulnerable and very uncomfortable.
Of course, we can’t negate the impact of sexual abuse in someone’s past and any echoes this experience might have on their sense of powerlessness and or willingness to engage in healthy sexual relationships. Certainly, those with a history of sexual abuse and or assault may need some trauma work to be able to move through the experience(s) and be able to feel safe within their body.
If you or someone you know is struggling with shame around sexuality, it might be helpful to provide them with some resources to normalize their fears and empower them to know they are not alone. Aside from Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, I highly recommend an app for women called Rosy. One thing I really like about this app is that it allows you to answer some personal questions to set up a profile, and it provides you with an anonymous username, so you remain completely confidential. You can then join chats with other women, discuss issues, ask questions that you may have been afraid to ask, and receive input from real women who also experience similar challenges. To learn more about this incredible app designed specifically for women by a physician, you can go to meetrosy.app.link.
It’s time for women to take back their sexual health and start living a life without shame.