Parental Pressures
I was listening to a conversation while at my Physical Therapy appointment last week between two young parents whose 4-Year-old had been on a waiting list for the “most rigorous kindergarten” for the past 18 months, and then the parents learned that due to not responding to an overlooked email, their son had been taken off the list and was no longer eligible for the school.
The amount of panic, fear and discussion about how their son “would be set up to fail if he didn’t get this jump start” almost shocked me. I had to take some deep breaths to not get riled up with their anxiety. I felt so saddened by the societal expectations ingrained into parents to get their kids into all the programs and into all the right schools or else!
I Remember Those Conversations
My oldest, who is now 24, was that kid that everybody loved and who was socially very competent. His teachers mostly loved him until he was disruptive in class as he was really the class clown. I remember, when my son was in middle school, being called at work after my son had apparently zipped himself inside of a large suitcase that for some reason was in the back of the class and then proceeded to hop while inside the suitcase. Now I know that this had to be extremely frustrating to the middle school teacher, but I almost wanted to laugh and ask “Why was there a suitcase in your classroom large enough for my son to zip himself inside?”, but I knew that wasn’t the right answer.
I also remember sitting at Huntington’s Learning Center after our son was diagnosed with ADHD and having this young college grad inform me “these scores are not the scores of a college bound kid!” I wanted to scream and yell at her and it took a lot of composure to just remain calm. But essentially I knew there were some educational gaps due to his ADHD that impacted his learning and comprehension and he used laughter as a means of feeling enough. Yet I knew he could do whatever he desired and nobody, especially this young grad, was going to decide his future for him.
Should We Put Limits on Kids’ Future Capabilities?
I am looking at parenting from a lens with a lot more wisdom and grace today. Those parents who judged and wanted to brag about all their kids could do, made me feel small back then. I had my own shame demons to work through but didn’t really understand it back then. It wasn’t until I really did some shame resilience work that I began to open my perspective and see my son’s learning from a different perspective.
Not All Kids Learn The Same Way
He didn’t fit the mold! Yet our learning options back then were very limited unless you home schooled, which was never an option for me. He hated sitting in a class. He hated being cooped up inside a room, or confined to a cubicle. Eventually he looked at our careers and said “I don’t want to do anything that keeps me locked up inside an office.” He didn’t learn by reading and memorizing, he learned by doing, by touching and feeling his way through, and could build things, even huge Lego towers at a young age. It wasn’t that he was “stupid” or “unable to go to college” he just needed to find his way to learning.
Now at 24
My son, the once class clown, looks much different than that unstructured kid. He entered the Army instead of going straight off to college and spent 4 years as a mechanic while learning to weld, build structures, and build his confidence in his capabilities. When he returned from the Army he immediately enrolled in college and is now a Junior at Sacramento State University obtaining his construction management degree.
He came to Idaho on his spring break to build me an outdoor BBQ kitchen island. I had really no idea what to expect except that I knew he was talented with his hands. I watched him take a paper and pencil, draw a structure, calculate all the measurements and angles, and then construct what became the foundation for a large U-Shaped BBQ Island. He completely blew me away with his talent and ability to create, design, and construct.
Note To My Old Self and Others
I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish my older self could have gone back in time and reassured my anxious 30-40 something parental mind that worried about his future. I would like to tell all those young parents out there that it really doesn’t matter…all the stress, all the pressure. It’s just another societal hoop. I wish I could take the stress away from my young teens, who feel their world will collapse and end if they don’t get into an Ivy League School. In the big game of life, there are benefits from fighting to strive hard, but when we make assumptions and or shame people for not being the best, or learning a different way…we create a much larger problem. If your kid doesn’t fit the Societal Mold…breathe, they will become who they were supposed to be.