Anxiety Wasn’t Talked About
Growing up, I lived in a pretty normal suburban house with a nuclear family, 2 siblings and a dog. Nobody ever talked about “Anxiety” or gave it that name… but the frenetic energy and buzzing within the home, the expectation of always staying busy, keeping the house immaculate, and creating the perfect hosting experiences, were just some of the ways that this behavior, that I’d later learn was my mother’s “Anxiety,” showed up. But as a kid, the thought of therapy, or even acknowledging that there was any struggle…was just not something I perceived was acceptable to the family. But somehow masking anxiety with Valium and Alcohol were okay!
Anxiety Can Be Masked as A Superpower
My mother was the “hostess with the mostess” and could entertain in a way that brought great joy to others. She could create an experience that made others feel at home, and so many people praised her for her incredible attention to detail. On one hand my mother had “super powers” and could do more than the average human, which was validated with praise. Yet on the other hand, her stress, and all that happened behind our four walls left me confused and even angry as the entire family felt the brunt of her need for perfection. The story I told myself early on was that in order to be good enough, you were never supposed to rest, and you had to care an awful lot about what other people thought of you!
High Expectations and a Chunk of Hair
As a teen, I found my refuge in controlling the things I could control, my grades. So, I took on the persona of the good girl, rule follower, and beat myself up when I didn’t get an A. I didn’t have to be perfect…but an A at even 90% was my mission. I stressed myself out so much trying to accomplish this that by the time I was in 10th grade a friend noticed that I had a bald spot the size of silver dollar, on the back of my head. It was later determined that this was a stress response. I had really long curly hair, so I hid that spot and all the shame that was buried behind both my own perception of myself and my mother’s disgust that I somehow couldn’t manage my “stress” which I’m sure seemed to be a reflection of her back then.
Please understand, that my mother was really quite an amazing person…yet I had to first understand shame and recognize as an adult “what was hers to own, and what was mine to own” before I could see that she was doing the very best she could with the tools she had. Her anxiety was just a manifestation of her own family of origin stuff she never felt it was okay to discuss.
Teen Anxiety
It’s been 33 years since that hair loss incident, yet I see the same self-induced expectations in the teens I work with today. Some of them are much harder on themselves than I ever was. So, the question lies in why is this happening, and why after all these years have we as a society not learned the impact of all this stress on our teens?
Regardless of the intention, a parent’s inability to be vulnerable, acknowledge their own stuff, and take accountability for their behaviors is a huge issue in today’s teen’s anxiety. Often, I see teens with well-meaning parents who just don’t understand the impact that their shame has on how they respond or interact with their teen. If a parent’s own self-esteem is low, they can often respond with statements like “I guess I’m just a horrible person and I do everything wrong!” When this happens, a teen then takes on the role of having to hold their parent up and make their parent feel better, leaving their own needs or concerns behind.
There are many other barriers that get in the way or lead to increased teen anxiety. Yet the attachment bond with a parent is very important for teens to feel safe discussing their problems and fears. This is why after living it myself, and watching this play out over and over in the lives of clients, I felt compelled to give parents and teens the tools necessary to learn to communicate and combat the anxiety that impedes their connection. So please share this blog and the link for my Free Mini Course at www.combatingteenanxiety.com and together let’s help decrease teen anxiety and launch them into adulthood with the necessary skills to succeed.